I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Randomize