he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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