How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
