I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
