I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
