: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
