Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
