Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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