Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
