Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
