i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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