the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
