Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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