At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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