her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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