phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
