You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
