I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
