remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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