Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
