forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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