i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
