the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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