Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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