He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
