I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
