Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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