This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
