i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
