I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize