Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
