Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
