Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
