just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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