I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
