oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I haven't been this sober since birth.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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