i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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