I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so let's talk penis.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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