remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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