highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
