a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
