Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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