Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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