my mouth tastes like poor choices
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize