I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize