can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Two words: nipple clamps
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