Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
