Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
