I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Randomize
