The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
did i just pee glitter
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
