I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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