Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
3pm strippers are depressing
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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