i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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