just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
