I feel like abortions should bother me more
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
