I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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