I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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