Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
