when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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