i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
