I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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