i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
